Mel Kiper Jr is a Nerd

A name that stands out when role is called in your ninth grade, every student turns around to see what poor sucker was born with a name like, “Melvin.” (Let’s not be racist, but we’re going to be kind of racist…if you turn around and see a black guy named Melvin, you’re like, “Oh shit. Not messing with that guy.” But if you see a white guy, you’re definitely going to steal his lunch money. Who cares nerds don’t need to eat, they can live off of pieces of paper from their science text books.) And look at this guy’s hair, does he just take a comb and brush it all the way to the back of his head? He’s probably using the hair from the front of his head to cover up a bald spot he’s got going on, and I refuse to let Melvin lie to me. I want to see what Melvin’s hair looks like before he styles it, the people demand to see the bald spot. #FindMelvin’sBaldSpot This nerd did find a good use of his talents though, landing a pretty sweet gig talking about the draft order of NFL teams and who should draft who, analytics, numbers, and all that good stuff: a sports-loving nerd’s dream. But is there really a point to his job? The teams are going to draft who they want to draft, half the time Mel is just as wrong as us. Which got me thinking, what would my draft board look like? It would probably only go up to the first ten spots because honestly, I don’t think I have the patience to do that kind of research to speculate on all 32 teams draft picks. Hell, do we really even care who the Patriots draft? They’re just going to go to another Super Bowl regardless of whether they take an offensive-linemen or the bee from the Honey Nut Cheerio Commercials. Flawless transition** here is my mock draft board, which will definitely appear on ESPN on draft day.

1.) Cleveland Browns: Mel thinks you guys should take Josh Allen from Wyoming and disregard his completion percentage and those other stats because “That stuff is for losers.” (Even though he went like 8-5?) But c’mon, how many times are you guys going to blow it with shitty quarterback picks? Your city expects nothing from you, pure freedom! Pick the fastest, coolest guy there and see if he can turn into a touchdown machine! I’m riding with Saquon Barkley. This guy is a beast, take him and hand the ball off to him every play so Deshaun Kizer doesn’t have to throw it.

Seriously, he can fly!?
2.) New York Giants: Successor to Eli Manning? We’ll worry about that in 10 years! Eli is in prime condition, ready to keep going as long as he wants. Let’s draft a RB and get that offense moving through a fast, athletic beast. And yes, you know exactly who I’m talking about. Saquon Barkley! The browns aren’t going to pick him, they like drafting QBs too much. Gooooo Saquon! Here he goes flying again.

3.) Indianapolis Colts: Mel Kiper Jr seems to think ya’ll need a running back. And I’m gonna be honest, I’m inclined to agree with him. The Giants definitely aren’t going to take Saquon Barkley. They’ll pass him up for some bull shit and then look who falls in your lap…the winning lottery. It’s Saquon! Insert Barkley Flying.

4.) Cleveland Browns: Seriously…we’re already back to the Browns…Well, let’s assume you took another quarterback with your first pick. Josh Allen, Josh Rosen, Sam Darnold? Who was it? Here’s the play. Draft ANOTHER quarterback! Throw Lamar Jackson in the mix. Let your first two picks fight it out and see what happens! If you have every quarterback in the league then surely one of them will be good.

Oh shit he can fly too.
5.) Denver Broncos: Alright this team actually needs a quarterback. Unless John Elway feels a little spring in his step and walks down there himself to toss the pig skin around, you’re going to need to switch it up from Paxton Lynch, Brock Osweiler, and Trevor Siemian. Just take whoever’s left at this point that the Browns didn’t snatch up. BUT, if Barkley is available at this point still, take him.

The triooooo
6.) New York Jets: Baker Mayfield. For sure take Baker Mayfield. I just want to see how this guy grows in New York City. It can only end up like Johnny Manziel. They’ll have a few fun years of him throwing it around like a madman before he inevitably ends in rehab.

7.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: An actual Buccaneer. This team is solid. They got all the elements of a great NFL team, sure they had a bad year but they can improve all of that with some good off season moves and trading. What they need now is a little edge, a little aggression, the kind of ferocity you’re only going to get from an actual pirate.

8.) Chicago Bears: Calvin Ridley. They actually do need a WR. Mitch Trubisky is definitely going to be the next Tom Brady, but only if you give him some weapons to throw the ball to. He had no one last season, but if you give him a guy like Calvin Ridley, oh shit is going to get exciting.

9.) San Francisco 49ers: A Wacky Waveable Inflatable Arm Flaling Tube Man from a used car lot. This team is set. Jimmy G is a monster. They’re made for it. Just draft a Inflatable Tube Man, put him on the sideline, pay him $2 million a year and watch him dance your way to the Super Bowl.

10.) “Oakland” Raiders: Minkah Fitzpatrick. They do need defensive backs and this guy is a pretty good one. The only downside I see from him is his inability to control his bladder. But that is stuff you can coach. Get him in your system, put a catheter in him, you’re golden.

 

BONUS PICK: Probably 32) New England Patriots: a bowl of mashed potatoes. Belichick is hungry and he likes potatoes. Won’t make a difference who they draft, might as well keep Billy happy and feed him his God Damn Taters.